I am posting here anonymously. However, I have a history on this board as I have posted before about some of the issues with my husband. His emotional abuse has caused issues with my family and in laws, but it's taken me a long time to understand that the abuse was the problem and the people around us were only reacting to it (albeit sometimes poorly).
Because I had been manipulated, it may not have always been clear to the readers of my posts that I was being abused. Sometimes I may have made it sound like everything was my fault because that's what I was being told every. single. day.
Today I had to post this because as I pull away from the relationship (filing papers soon), I realize that some of the "feedback" I got here was destructive to me.One post in particular set me back several months in my progress towards leaving him.
This baord has a "tough love" approach that I'm sure is sometimes helpful. In my case, I already had a person making it their FULL TIME job to manipulate and pull my self esteem down. When I came to this board, I was called an idiot, a doormat and it was suggested that I was a whore for sleeping with my husband despite my desire to get out of the relationship. (Name calling isn't allowed, but there's plenty of ways to get the ideas across without breaking the rules.)
These were the same things my husband was calling me on a daily basis. Hearing it here only made me feel worse. It didn't give me strength or a kick in the pants to finally leave him. It added to my self esteem issues and made me feel more dependent on him. "These ladies think I'm an idiot too. It must be true. I'm obviously too stupid to do anything about this."
Am I blaming? No - I clearly have my own issues to work through.
I'm only posting to say two things.
1 - If you are being abused there are better resources for you than this board.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/ is the BEST! They have a free chat that is awesome. If you're not sure if you're being abused, go there and do some research, you may find yourself feeling shocked.
2 - to the regulars on this board, if you ever detect low self esteem, self blame or any other signs that a woman is being abused even if her post makes it seem as if she's completely to blame for the issue, please don't try to give her advice. Instead, refer her to the site above. (ETA: May I suggest you add the above resource to yoru sticky note)
Again, I'm not posting to stir a pot or create drama. I just wanted you all to consider this and perhaps change your approach to certain posters.