My DH and I live across the country from my FOO. We have a 14 month old son. We moved out here about 2.5 years ago, after living in the same state as my side of the family through college and the year following our wedding. College was local for me, but cross-country from my DH's hometown. We relocated to near where he is from. He never pushed the issue of moving on me...it was something we always talked about, and decided one day to do it. Our close college friends were all moving, we didn't have full time jobs (both just under FT, so basically just no benefits) and added to all that, my FOO that had all been centrally located was starting to spread across the state and the country as well. I have an older bro, who is married with a 5yo DD, and a younger bro that is 21. They all live in the same state again now, but all at least 4+ hours away from each other, and for a while bro and SIL lived in the midwest. Its obviously been a big adjustment living out here, and after a few rough months and "why the hell did I agree to this" moments, I am really happy out here. We have career-starting jobs, a beautiful son, and we are in proximity to my DHs FOO, who are sane, healthy people and we have a good relationship with them.
My current frustration is that my mom can't seem to let it go that we moved. She has always been the "woe is me" type when things are not going her way. We only talk every few weeks, and honestly any more than that would exhaust me. When shes not complaining about something, she can be very fun and enjoyable to talk to. We are planning a visit to that side of the country in November. Included in this trip is going to be visiting my ailing grandma (who has not met DS, and I want nothing more than for her to meet him before she passes, which honestly I'm just hoping she makes it until Nov), a week with my parents, and then a few days in the town where we went to college to visit a few remaining friends. Half of our two week trip is planned to be visiting my parents. My mom called the other day and started throwing a fit about this...November is too far away (I saw them last December, so it'll be 11 months between visits)...can't the baby and I come before then? (nope, not happening, I refuse to take my vacation time without DH)...doesn't DH have 4 weeks of vacation and can't we spend 2 of those with him? (well, technically yes he has 4 weeks of pto, but a. no way can he take a month off in a row, b. no way can we afford a months vacation, c. NO!! d. I don't have that much vacation time...) and the real annoyance is that she wants us to spend ALL of our vacation with them, and thinks that planning to spend a few days with other family/friends means that we don't actually want to see my parents. And on and on it went. I kept shutting her down, telling her November is when we have the time off, it's a bummer its so many months down the road but this summer 100% does not work for us.
The conversation then turns into that we aren't 'making the effort to see them, and they just want to see us and spend more time with us. WE are the ones that chose to move, and it's really hard on everyone, and whine whine whine blah blah blah. I told her I do not have to justify or defend the reasons that my family moved. I eventually told her DS needed my attention, and hung up.
So my question is do I accept that our relationship will probably always be like this? I don't fault my mom for missing me and wanting to spend time with my family. I honestly miss her too. But I cannot and will not rearrange my life just so I can visit on her timeline when it is completely unfeasible, just so she won't throw a whiney fit about it. At this point, we see each other once, maybe twice a year. We talk on the phone every few weeks, text occasionally. I want to look forward to visits with her, but it seems like this is becoming the pattern. Something about the trip is not good enough for her, and the guilt trips come about how we moved and just made everything so hard. Do I limit contact even more? Care less then I already do? Anyone with advice that also moved far away from their FOO and deal with similar reactions?