I don't even know where to start. I'm a lurker, and I've been slowly strengthening my spine by reading dwil, thinking that I could take some of the advice, apply it to my own situation, and since my family is slightly normal (so I thought), everything would easily be worked out - but after this thanksgiving, I really need some support and advice. This is long and complicated, so I'm sorry for the novel.
Basically, both sides of my family are very passive aggressive, and I'm just starting to truly recognize how damaging it is. My paternal grandmother, the matriarch of the family, takes the fucking cake. No one in the family is capable of telling each other if something is bothering them - everyone just pouts, waiting for the offender to suddenly realize that they did something wrong, but when that doesn't happen, they get more and more angry, until they explode. I seriously thought functioning like that was normal, until I met my DH. He's been helping train me to communicate in a healthier, more productive, sane way. We got married just a few months ago, fyi.
A little background, my entire family stays at my grandparent's cabin during thanksgiving weekend. Now, my grandma LOVES knowing everything about everybody, and she likes feeling generous. She and my grandpa are pretty well-off, helped pay for my education, and they always host holidays (everyone is expected to attend). My grandma is nosy and judgmental (but nice to your face), and everyone, including grandpa, just rolls their eyes, "that's grandma for you", and lets her do whatever she wants. They all enable her because they don't think it's "that bad, and it's not hurting anyone. Everything is perfectly pleasant as long as you don't rock grandma's "perfect family" boat!
Over thanksgiving weekend, My grandma waited until most people (including DH) were gone skiing around the lake and I was alone in the kitchen to surprise me unexpectedly with "Stonelady, I think you're depressed". Now, "alone in the kitchen" still means there were a few other people close enough to overhear easily. Once I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked her why she thought that I was depressed, and she went on and on about how I was reading "too much" and my behavior that weekend was "concerning" (when in fact I was pretty much normal, I'm usually very introverted, and my DH agrees that I wasn't acting strangely or unfriendly). I assured her that I did not, in fact, have depression, but, not to be deterred, she said, "fine, but you were still not communicative" as she walked away. I was visibly annoyed and angry, so she knew that I was upset.
Now, I had no idea what she was talking about, but I had a niggling feeling that something I had done bothered her, and she was attempting to criticize my alleged behavior under the guise of being concerned for my health. I was irritated because 1) I am reserved normally so my behavior wasn't out of the ordinary, 2) I wasn't hurting anyone with my actions, so I didn't need to be criticized needlessly, 3) I'm an adult and can be reserved if I want to, dammit, 4) my "health" is none of her damn business, and 5) she had no concern for my privacy or feelings by approaching me like she did (if my behavior was worrying her, she didn't inquire kindly, instead she judged and confronted me where people might overhear her rash assumption). Now, before I started reading dwil, I would have literally apologized that my actions seemed depressing, and would have buried my own hurt feelings because I truly felt that keeping the rest of my family happy was more important, and pretended to be fine the rest of the night (DH and I were going to leave later that night). Then, because we played nice, I would have to forget my own feelings, because they would never be able to be brought up again.
I really wanted to leave as soon as possible, because I didn't WANT to pretend to be fine, which would have been expected (If I hadn't, I would have been hassled by everyone). DH came back, I told him what happened, and he readily agreed that it was time to go. We decided that later, I could email her and explain how her comment was hurtful, and to enforce some boundaries (dwil style). We quickly packed everything in the car, and then we went around saying goodbye. It was obvious that something was wrong, because we were leaving unexpectedly right before dinner, and I was definitely giving off a frustrated vibe; I couldn't help it. Everyone followed us to the entry, so there was a big crowd, and as she hugged me goodbye, grandma told me, "don't be too mad!". Dwilers, you will be ashamed, but I snapped.Iit felt like she was literally passive aggressively ordering me to stop being upset, and manipulating me into agreeing to "not be too mad" because there were witnesses, and she was relying on me caving to the pressure to play nice.
I really should have ignored it, I WISH I had ignored it, but I was so angry that she didn't think she had done anything wrong. I just blurted out "Your comments were unwelcome" (angrily), and DH and I immediately turned around and left.
On the drive home, I regretted leaving in that way, and making a scene, but getting her to realize that I was upset felt more important. I thought that I could text her to try to explain why I was upset and why I said what I did as we left, and grandma would "get" it, apologize, then I would apologize, and we could go back to normal. Silly me. As of now, 5 days later, the text has not been acknowledged.
HOWEVER, right after DH and I got home (2 hours later), I received the following email from my dad (grandma's son), who was in the crowd and witnessed our departure. In true flying monkey style, it's chock full of guilt tripping and an order to make amends with grandma. He didn't even try to hide it, and it even insinuated 2 things: 1) that I should be "used" to how she is, and I should be able to "handle it gracefully" and 2) that because my grandparents have done such nice things for me in my life (helping pay for my education, etc) that I can't be that upset at her, like they "earned" the right to say whatever the fuck they want without consequence.
I was literally in shock, as was DH. We didn't understand how this became a "thing", or how it snowballed so epically. The only thing *I* did was my parting comment to her. Granted, I know my reaction surprised everyone (no one has ever stood up to grandma like that before), and I said it angrily and "with conviction" (DH's words, he was proud of me), but I didn't insult her! I didn't call her names or use foul language or even say anything offensive! All I did was (clumsily, but this is new to me) enforce a boundary. And that happened. First, I was SO FUCKING PISSED (and gutted) at my dad, but I knew from reading that it would be a mistake to engage with him right away. It literally felt like he was angry at me for hurting his moommmmyyy's feelings. I knew that she had probably told everyone her side and made herself look sympathetic. "All I did was ask her if she was ok! I was concerned that she might be depressed! I don't understand what I did to deserve such harsh treatment! wah wah wah" I knew that dwilers would advise I BH his email, so I ignored it.
However, my training, compounded with my dad's guilt tripping, fucking worked. My unicorn sneak attacked me because I still didn't believe that my family could be anywhere near as crazy as some I've read about on here. I thought that I should email grandma (so there would be a record of what I said), apologize for speaking harshly to her (I'm kicking myself for that, at this point, you'll see why later), and explain in detail how I felt at what she said, and then we could reach an understanding, and everything would go back to normal.
My email to grandma, which took me almost 3 days to write until it was properly "apologetic", was ridiculously long and full of unicorny shit. Basically, I explained how each statement she said to me (the "depressed" comment and her parting comment) made me feel and I also explained why I was feeling "introspective" this weekend (making excuses for my "behavior", and I explained why I had reacted "viciously"(yep, my training is responsible for that one), and apologized profusely for my terrible actions, could she please forgive me? Sorry sorry sorry.
But at this point, I was mostly angry at dad for being a flying monkey and overstepping his role, and both him and my mom for not reaching out to get my side before judging me. After I sent my olive branch email to grandma, I sent him an email, intending let him know that his email was inappropriate (inserting himself into a situation that didn't involve him), and that grandma and I were adults and could handle the situation without him. I was angry that he hadn't reached out to me to get my side before condemning me.
And I knew that I would get some backlash from both him and grandma, but I thought I was prepared for it. I was really hoping that after their first attempts to get me back in line didn't work, they would stop and actually treat me with respect. Hahaha, joke's on me.
Grandma emailed back with basically: guilt trip, guilt trip, guilt trip, fake "thank you for apologizing", and a VERY obviously fake "sorry" (as if it was an afterthought), and so much more guilt tripping. Her email back to me was incredibly long and personalized, so I don't know how or if I should post it here. But she is saying that everyone was "uncomfortable" around me this weekend, one of my aunts apparently commented on it (though not to me), I almost made one of my cousins cry when I "stomped out of the house". However, the worst part is that she basically listed out all of the nice things they have done for me in the last couple years, "quoted" me demanding them (I didn't, they offered every time except the one time I needed to borrow their van to haul stuff, I did ask nicely and she accepted), and was basically like "look at all these nice things I've done for you, how could you dare, I don't deserve this horrible terrible awful treatment from you, get over yourself, you used to be so sweet and kind, where did that go, etc etc"
She also rewrote history about her first comment: "I only asked you if everything was ok, blah blah blah poor me sad sad all I wanted was to make sure you were ok". No. She did not kindly inquire after my health, she asserted that I must have a mental illness because I was not acting in a way she approved of. Big difference. Sooo almost every trick in the BSC handbook, she used.
Then, dad emailed me too, in response to my rebuke, said he WAS involved because I had "embarrassed him and your mother" (um, I'm married and completely independent), and he ordered me to apologize to grandma again because my last try was terrible (so apparently she shared my email with him and who knows who else), and said "take all that me-me-me diva crap you sent me and grandma and use it in a soap opera or pitch it in a dumpster", then a bunch more guilt tripping and nastiness, AND HE ALSO went on and on about all the nice things grandma has done for me, also included some stuff about my deceased maternal grandfather and how he was such a terrible person (see, what grandma did wasn't THAT bad compared to THIS!), get over yourself, you're a diva (for both my "hostile" actions ((dude where the hell did this even come from)) and for leaving in a huff ((ok, that one I can cop to, but it wasn't as bad as they are making it out to be))), grandma doesn't deserve this, you need your family because they are always there for you, blah blah blah.
Both mentioned that one of my cousins, who witnessed my "tantrum", looked up to me, and was distressed that I made grandma feel bad ("btw cousin's been on antidepressants for at least 2 years" guilt guilt guilt). I reached out to my cousin, and she assured me she was fine.
So, in essence, I'm not ever allowed to be angry at her, and if I am, I'm also not allowed to explain how I feel to work towards a healthy resolution. I want to point out that my email was not telling her what she did wrong, I tried really hard to only write what happened and how it made me feel. DH read my email, and he agreed that nowhere did I say anything out of line. I am only allowed to apologize to grandma (for whatever she's mad about, it's still not clear to anyone), and then they all expect me to just drop everything else. I am being punished right now for stepping out of line, I can see it, but it doesn't make it any less painful. Literally a week ago everything was fine.
DH and I decided to stop engaging with both of them, and treat them like 5 year olds, basically. I wrote an email and scheduled it to send later today (because I didn't want to "reward" them by responding right away), and apologized that "my behavior appeared hostile"and that I had made a scene as I was leaving. Both of which I am sorry for (if that's what they are actually upset about, who knows). Then I said I hoped later we could talk about this, and I was taking time to consider their comments. (ie I'll contact them when I'm ready). It was super short and there wasn't anything in there they could complain about, I hope. And my plan at this point is to just drop the rope with them, including both parents - even though mom hasn't contacted me at all, she still probably has been talking about me, agreeing with what everyone else thinks what happened, and she didn't stop dad from treating me so awfully. At this point, I'm mostly angry at dad; I knew how grandma would react and I was prepared for it, but dad just blew me out of the water.
DWIL, I desperately need your help. I quickly got in over my head, and I don't know what to do. I want to BH both of them, because seriously, I am just so fucking tired of this crap, and their unprecedented reaction is ridiculous, and I don't want to be around people who keep tally of all the nice things and gifts they give to people, to hold against them later. I had DH set up my email and texting to forward to him but delete from my own devices and accounts, because I still want to know if they try to contact me/us, but I can't handle the anxiety of having their stuff come up. DH volunteered for this, so he can read anything that they send, and he can prepare me for what they say so it is't a shock. He is much more used to dealing with crazy people and he is much stronger than me. He's also fucking pissed off at my family.
I need some support; my unicorn and head keep fighting with my rational brain and saying that I deserve all this wrath because I must have been soooooooo bad and terrible and awful and I should just apologize asap and appease everyone; but then rational brain and DH insist that no, what I had done was perfectly understandable (thank you DH for validating me!), normal people might be upset at how I did it, but get over it once I apologized, AND normal people would have read my olive branch email and been like, "wow, I didn't realize that I had hurt Stonelady like that. I'm glad she apologized to me sincerely for embarrassing me in front of everyone. I should apologize for what I did too, because even if I didn't intend to hurt her, I still did".
it's hard because just 5 days ago, these people were normal. How should I approach my brother, who still lives at home (he's still in high school)? He had to work over the weekend, so he wasn't present for The Big Fucking Event. He knows just as well as I do that they are all crazy, and he dislikes grandma even more than I did (though he is still polite to her so she has no idea), so I think he wouldn't believe them if they started telling him how awful I am, but at the same time I don't want him to be affected/mad at my parents, because he still has to live with them for a few more months until he goes off to college. But I also want to warn him before he accepts my grandparent's financial help - it comes with a price. I'm thinking a TO for grandma and parents, because honestly, they are not at all necessary for my day-to-day functioning. At this point, they don't have anything I want or need. But what about occasions where I run into them at family functions? DH vetoed Christmas with my family before I could, and instead we are spending it with DH's family. I know that I will have more to add, and I really want DWIL advice on how to proceed. DH was like, hey, you should probably post this situation on the "dealing with stupid family" thing you read, because, sweetheart, your family is indeed stupid, and he thinks that getting some outside perspective and advice would be helpful.
Ugh why do people have to be so mean?!?!