Okay, first time poster here. I've been lurking for a few months and commenting here and there over the past couple of weeks. Every time I've considered posting, I've read a thread that made me think my family issues are nothing compared to what some people deal with.
I'll try to keep this short, because it has the potential to be a novel. I've really been struggling to organize my thoughts, so if something doesn't make sense or it seems I may have left something out, ask and I will do my best to explain. I have issues with a few family members, but the main issue at the moment is my aunt. I'm usually good at offering objective advice to others, but when I'm emotionally invested, I never know if I'm overreacting or riding a giant unicorn off into the sunset.
BG: My mom's sister has always been self-centered and dramatic. But not in an over-the-top way (like her daughter) that's easy to call out. She is passive agressive, very woe-is-me, and an expert at making herself look like the good guy.
**Trigger**: Long story short, three years ago, my mom had breast cancer and required constant care. Initially my sister (21 at the time) moved back home to take care of her. Our dad (actually my stepdad) passed away from cancer a few years before, so Mom was alone. My aunt was in an abusive relationship with her husband of 25 years. She called my mom all the time to talk her through things, but she always refused to leave this man saying she had "nowhere to go." Apparently things got really bad around the time mom was sick,so my Mom suggested that my aunt move in with her. My aunt basically ignored the offer and continued to complain.
My sister asked for help from family numerous times, and they all had excuses for why they couldn't be there. I lived an hour away and came home two days a week to be with mom and give my sister a break. Mom refused to get medical treatment until things got so bad she actually had trouble breathing. She finally agreed to go to the nearest hospital (an hour away from her and right by my apartment). When she was released, she moved in with me upon my insistence since she would be closer to the hospital. Suddenly, the family members who didn't care wanted to help. My aunt, and other family members, drove the hour once a week to sit with mom for a day while I worked. When it became clear that mom wasn't going to make it, my mom expressed to her sister that she was concerned about my sister and I (I was 23 at the time.) My aunt just loves to tell everyone to this day that she said, "Don't worry about your girls. I'll take care of them." I pray that my mom knew this was bullshit.
FF a few months later, my mom passes away. My sister and I make all the phone calls and handle all the arrangements. We handle everything. Our aunt is surprisingly supportive through everything. No real drama, except a couple of small incidents with my grandma and great aunt (they are a llama's dream), and those were shut down quickly. Our mom's sister was very supportive through the whole thing. Soon after, my aunt starts bitching to me and my sister about her husband (and here is where we made the colossal mistake) since my sister was moving out, we offered to let her live in our mom's house rent free so long as she just helps maintain things (like mow the yard, let us know if a repair needs made, etc.) and pay the electric and phone bills. She jumped on the opportunity, left her husband, and moved in within weeks.
My sister and I paid the electric and phone bills until she "got on her feet.." This basically turned into us finding out she bought a new computer, a new gun, and set up satellite service first. So, we confronted her, and she took over those bills. My mom was basically her free counselor (my mom was an ordained minister), and after the funeral, she kept telling me how I am "Sooooo much like your mother!." One night, only a few months after mom passed, she called me at midnight, knowing I had to work the next day. I stupidly answered the phone, she was drunk and crying about how much she missed HER sister! I said, "Ummm who do you think you called??" I told her not to do it again and hung up the phone. Since then, I ignore 99% of her calls.
Not long after this, I find out that she had been sleeping with her SON-IN-LAW for over a year. She still doesn't know I know. But after putting two and two together, I realize that this is why she didn't want to move in with mom... because mom would have figured out her little secret. This whole thing made me sick to my stomach, but for some reason I was still pooping glitter. (In case you can't tell I'm from one of those, "put up with their crap because their faaaamily" families. My parents were pretty great in themselves, but they put up with a lot of shit from their families.)
Within the past two years, my sister and I decided to divide up our parents' property. We originally owned it jointly, but since we were both getting married, we agreed it was best if we separated all of our assets. (Our parents didn't have wills, so everything just went to the two of us. None of the family contested the estate.) They owned two pieces of property. I took the smaller vacant piece, and my sister took the home property as she and her fiance were discussing moving back there. I had no immediate plans to move back. We put a stipulation in each deed that if one of us wants to sell, the other gets first option to purchase for 30 days. Since then, my aunt has been hounding my sister to sell. Every time my sister said no, my aunt would run to our grandparents and talk about how mean she is. She makes passive aggressive digs about how she's going to "stop taking shit and be the bigger bitch." She also said things to me about how she's done so well on her own and "didn't need a man to take care of me." No, just your nieces.
Then she switches to whine mode and says how she and her new fiance will just have to move because "we can't put our lives on hold forever waiting for you to sell." My sister told her about the stipulation in the deed, so she started whining to me, I guess hoping I would talk my sister into selling. We both told her not to put her life on hold for us and find a place to live where she could be happy. Finally, my sister got fed up with her crap and told her to drop it or move out. She suddenly changed her tune and said she had "nowhere to go."
Wow this is really long. If you have stuck with me this far, thank you. If not, I don't blame you.
Now to the current issue. I think my aunt's new fiance is a creeper. I barely know him, and he had the balls to rub my belly at my baby shower. He also makes comments like, "Now your hubby needs to get in there and give you a boy." My grandparents think the sun shines out of his ass. Right before my baby was born, my grandmother proudly announced to me that my aunt had set a wedding date.... ON MY MOTHER'S FUCKING BIRTHDAY. Of course, my grandma is so proud and thinks that my mother would be "so honored." And before you say anything, it's a Wednesday.... so there's no "Oh, it just worked out that way" excuse. My grandmother tells me that my aunt called her to see if she thought it would be okay. No mention to my sister or me. My sister found out because my aunt's fiance let it slip. My aunt did not plan to tell either of us until we got our invitations in the mail. She then told my sister, "I know some people will be mad. But I don't care what anyone thinks." Which basically tells me she knew it would upset us, but she needs the attention more than she cares about our feelings.
The wedding is next month. I have no intention of going. But then my DH (who knows ALL of this background) says: "The only reason I would say we should go is because she came to our wedding." I don't think that's how it should work. At all. And he can't stand my family. I also don't want to remember my mother's birthday like this.
I feel like an emotional mess, and all I want to do is explode and unload on this woman. I know I don't own the day. I know I can't control her actions. Am I unreasonable? Blowing things out of proportion? Should I send back the rsvp card or ignore completely? I'm not going to this wedding... I hate the groom, am BEC with the bride, and they would expect me to bring my baby (hell no). I'm just hoping to get some outside perspective on things. I don't want to turn into a bitter old witch, but I am sooooooooooo tired of this woman.
I hope this made sense. Fire away ***Puts on BGPs***