Hi all :)
We have had an incident lately that has needed addressing with the ILs. They live in the next suburb over from us and we see them frequently, 1-2 times a week usually.
BG: FIL has some emotional issues. Is it depression? I'm not exactly sure, but my DH's emotional well being suffered from it too through his childhood which has lead to a deep depression in him and he is now taking the steps to get himself through it. DH (who is 29) has a mostly positive relationship with his parents now, slowly reconciling as he figures himself out.
Anyway. FIL, as delightful and non boundary stomping a person he is the vast majority of the time, has had moments where he gets into some sort of similar funk and disappears for a relatively short period of time, has threatened his own life, drops lots of P/A woe is me guilt trips on his adult children (DH & SIL) and wife. We have shielded our children from this so far. He has been an awesome, loving grandfather to them and they love each other very much. When DD was about two she tried to express that she was wanting to play her game by herself, which came out as an "I don't like you" directed at FIL. He took that personally and got into one of his funks and took off, and dropped at least one guilt trip on my 2yo on the way out. DH reprimanded him for it and told him to keep his attitude in check or he won't be having a relationship with our family. DH got particularly angry over that as although he could relate to FIL's mentality, he knew better than to say thing like that to any kid. FIL apologised and everything has been going well since.
Up until Saturday. DD (now 4) and DS (2) were at the IL's playing in their pool, DH and I weren't there. DD indicated something along the lines that she didn't want FIL to get in the pool with her. He apparently then said something that hurt her feelings deeply, and and later disappeared. MIL was there but didn't catch the exchange and was in shock at his attitude. DD said she wanted to go home (which is very unlike her, she LOVES the ILs) and see me, so MIL packed the kids up and brought them home. DD was very emotional for a long time, and we had a chat about what happened and FIL and how she is not responsible for making him happy.
MIL and I talked for a while about it, shared of our experiences and interactions with depression. MIL was devastated that that had happened and that their relationship with the kids might be at risk and was horrified at FIL and his attitude. DD had told us that she didn't want to see FIL for a while which we are respecting. And MIL understands this.
We haven't spoken to FIL since. He sent DH an SMS with a whole lot of woe is me guilt trippin and a sorry in there somewhere, and then another message shortly after stating that he realised how self centred he had sounded and then another guilt trip. We just glanced at it and BH.
DH is furious and hasn't processed it yet, I went into mamabear mode and told him I wanted to put FIL in a TO for at least 2 weeks or more, we will see if we want to extend it when we get there (probably). And I am now also thinking that FIL will no longer be having unsupervised time with our children again. DH and I haven't really had a proper discussion about this yet as the weekend was a busy one, but it is absolutely on my radar. FIL needs to apologise to us properly first before we will consider access to the kids. DH talked to his mum briefly on Sat night apparently (I was out), but we haven't checked in with her since.
That's where I am at at the moment. Any advice/suggestions?
Edited for spellchecking
We have had an incident lately that has needed addressing with the ILs. They live in the next suburb over from us and we see them frequently, 1-2 times a week usually.
BG: FIL has some emotional issues. Is it depression? I'm not exactly sure, but my DH's emotional well being suffered from it too through his childhood which has lead to a deep depression in him and he is now taking the steps to get himself through it. DH (who is 29) has a mostly positive relationship with his parents now, slowly reconciling as he figures himself out.
Anyway. FIL, as delightful and non boundary stomping a person he is the vast majority of the time, has had moments where he gets into some sort of similar funk and disappears for a relatively short period of time, has threatened his own life, drops lots of P/A woe is me guilt trips on his adult children (DH & SIL) and wife. We have shielded our children from this so far. He has been an awesome, loving grandfather to them and they love each other very much. When DD was about two she tried to express that she was wanting to play her game by herself, which came out as an "I don't like you" directed at FIL. He took that personally and got into one of his funks and took off, and dropped at least one guilt trip on my 2yo on the way out. DH reprimanded him for it and told him to keep his attitude in check or he won't be having a relationship with our family. DH got particularly angry over that as although he could relate to FIL's mentality, he knew better than to say thing like that to any kid. FIL apologised and everything has been going well since.
Up until Saturday. DD (now 4) and DS (2) were at the IL's playing in their pool, DH and I weren't there. DD indicated something along the lines that she didn't want FIL to get in the pool with her. He apparently then said something that hurt her feelings deeply, and and later disappeared. MIL was there but didn't catch the exchange and was in shock at his attitude. DD said she wanted to go home (which is very unlike her, she LOVES the ILs) and see me, so MIL packed the kids up and brought them home. DD was very emotional for a long time, and we had a chat about what happened and FIL and how she is not responsible for making him happy.
MIL and I talked for a while about it, shared of our experiences and interactions with depression. MIL was devastated that that had happened and that their relationship with the kids might be at risk and was horrified at FIL and his attitude. DD had told us that she didn't want to see FIL for a while which we are respecting. And MIL understands this.
We haven't spoken to FIL since. He sent DH an SMS with a whole lot of woe is me guilt trippin and a sorry in there somewhere, and then another message shortly after stating that he realised how self centred he had sounded and then another guilt trip. We just glanced at it and BH.
DH is furious and hasn't processed it yet, I went into mamabear mode and told him I wanted to put FIL in a TO for at least 2 weeks or more, we will see if we want to extend it when we get there (probably). And I am now also thinking that FIL will no longer be having unsupervised time with our children again. DH and I haven't really had a proper discussion about this yet as the weekend was a busy one, but it is absolutely on my radar. FIL needs to apologise to us properly first before we will consider access to the kids. DH talked to his mum briefly on Sat night apparently (I was out), but we haven't checked in with her since.
That's where I am at at the moment. Any advice/suggestions?
Edited for spellchecking