I lurk often and think you have all given me a bit of a backbone but am writing now to see if I'm doing the right thing or if I am being a heartless bitch.
Dh comes from a big family that all grew up pretty close together. He was blessed with some great aunts, uncles and grandparents but his parents were not. Lots of alcohol, drug abuse, neglect, etc. Dh has one brother 4 years younger than him. Dh knew who to look up to until he was old enough to get out and start his own life elsewhere. BIL did not get out, dropped out of high school and played the victim for years. Everything is his parents fault. He also feels like DH abandoned him when he left and has said it to both dh and myself.
Anyways... not long after Dh and I got married we told BIL if he ever needed to get out and start over he could move near us and we would help. That was before he was arrested for stealing someone's wallet and trying to use credit cards, had issues overdosing, and went to the mental hospital more than once on phsyciatric holds for threatening to kill himself. He's never been able to live on his own and always relys on everyone else.
The day before I delivered yds Dh was working out of town and told me he was picking up BIL to bring him to live with us and that he thought he should could give me a heads up. I told him I would not be there when he got home if he did so, because I was not bringing a mentally ill person to come live with us who has prescription drug issues, is on parole and all right before I gave birth with two other little kids at home. I couldn't handle watching someone else. Luckily Dh backed down and came home immediately (luckily in time for delivery).
We told BIL if he got his life straightened out and earned enough money to come live by us we would be here but he can't live with us. Well since then he has burned a lot of bridges elsewhere in the family, gone from couch to couch and whenever some says he needs to get his act together or get out he goes back to mental hospital or stops talking to them completely. No one else can take him in at this point or wants to.
So yesterday DH gets mesages from BIL's gf that he is back in mental hospital wanting to kill himself and she is leaving for the east coast to go to school so she can't deal with him anymore. She says to DH that it's basically his resposibility to step up because that's what family does and that she knows he was going to come out here before dh "flaked cuz of ur wife." Now Dh feels torn because he's scared his brother is really going to hurt himself. I'm still saying No because our kids come first, Dh often works out of town and I'm not taking another adult who acts like this. I know he's family but I can't handle that he is 27, has taken advantage of everyone else in the family, and whenever anyone changes his plans he ends up on a psych hold. We don't live close (15 hour drive from where they all are) and if he goes nuts we have no one. I honestly wouldn't trust him much around my house and kids due to his theft history and mental stability.
Am I being a bitch or smart about this? Dh feels like we have to do something but I honeslty would pack up my kids and move in with my parents if he shows up here.