Hi ladies of DWIL....I've learned so much from this board over the past few months and it is really helping me. I only have one family member that's an ongoing "issue" and it's a tricky situation for me to deal with as it's my husband's daughter. A little background (full BG is impossible, it would turn into a huge novel):
Around the time I made that post, I decided to finally stop "sucking it up" and tell my husband how I feel about her behavior regarding him. I never saw him enable or encourage her in it, other than allowing the barrage of phone calls, plus I never said anything before because I was too sensitive about being the "evil stepmother", you know? His response was very reassuring, that we would set boundaries and he would not hesitate to call her out if she crossed them.
An important note is that a lot of what she says is just that--talk. And she does fabricate or exaggerate things, and says different things to different people. What's hard is figuring out what is just talk, or her own fantasy, vs. reality.
So she has returned, and tonight she called me. And this is what I got:
--That she and DH have a bond that no one else could ever understand, and followed it up with what I now know is a twisted version of his first telling her we are pregnant--that he "needs" her and how cool it was to hear that her father needed HER to be there for him, and they cried together and shared such a special emotional moment, yada yada.*
*DH's version: She cried because she was upset about us having children, and that he cried because he felt bad for making her cry since she's also going through a divorce.
--That she was so excited about the babies and I quote, "I'm like, way to go Sunshine, I'm going to have babies without having to push them out!" and then went on and on about the things she will do with them.
So thanks to DWIL I felt like the whole thing was a HUGE red flag, plus I felt creeped out and uncomfortable by her apparent vision that she and DH are going to be mommy and daddy to my babies. Not happening, but that she simply has these imagined things floating around in her head concerns me. Again thanks to DWIL, I promptly talked to DH instead of keeping it to myself. He was not thrilled with her making me feel like an incubator, and stated that his #1 priority was me, that he doesn't "need" her the way she's spinning it (his context was that he needs her to step up as a good big sister) and again, that he and I will establish and enforce boundaries and he will defend me against any BSC. He is also being very cautious in dealing with her so as not to fuel this further.
My unicorn refuses to completely die though, only because I start doubting myself after my initial reaction. I started thinking, Am I overreacting? Is this really not that weird? Maybe she meant nothing at all by it and I'M the one taking things out of context? Maybe she's just letting the big sister excitement completely run away with her and I'm being mean for taking it wrong?
DH has a good point--we're likely going to rarely see her since she lives in another state. But the boundaries thing--we agreed that she doesn't have or recognize them. Then when we tried to envision what boundaries we would set, we got stuck. It's hard when you don't know how a person is going to act.
So I have two things I need help with. First, AM I overreacting, or would her behavior bother you too? Second, has anyone had experience having to create boundaries for someone who apparently has no concept of them? If so, how did you handle it with them? Thank you in advance!!